6 Months

Yesterday was 6 months since Holden was placed in our arms. I was really hoping we would of heard something from his foster family by now. I still remember the last time we saw them, the FM (foster mother) placed him in our arms forever as we got in the elevator, as I looked out, I could see the FS (foster sister) still crying. It was a heart wrenching, joyous day. I always wonder if Holden has a recollection of what happened. Yesterday, I was getting gas, I always turn the keys to where the air and radio are on but the engine is not turned over. Anyway, he was sitting in his seat and then, it seemed as though he was starting to panic, he could not see me and I think that scared him. I am sure this would be the reaction of any 14 month old child but, as an AP (adoptive Parent), I always wonder what is going through his head.

I can't imagine being with someone whom you rely on to meet ALL of your needs for 6 months and then being handed to someone new and WONDERING IF they will meet your needs? I mean, they don't speak the same language as the last person, you are in a different country and you have NO CLUE what is going on or what to expect. I know that my son has adjusted well but, the momma inside me always wonders what he is thinking about different situations. I try to put myself in his shoes and think about his experiences and with that, I draw on it all to help me get him calm.

I still pray for Holden's FM, FS and BP (Birth Parents), I always pray that they find peace and know that Holden is loved. So, if that means the FM has to step back and make no contact in order to do so, then I guess I have to accept that.

So, as I sit here and write this, I know it sounds like I may be an overprotective and spoiling mother but, I know what my son's "issues" and what his "history" is. I feel that in order for ME to be a good mother, I have to step back at times and think about my son and all of his "experiences" thus far. If that makes me an overprotective and spoiling mother then, I guess I am!!

Wondering

Today, I am full of wonder. I am wondering what this year will bring, what I will be doing as far as job wise this year. I am wondering why I see so many other families receive notes, pictures and gifts for their babies from the foster families and my son has not received anything. I wonder if the goodbye letters that were written by the foster family is their "goodbye"? Wondering how you can be so quiet for so long to a child that you loved, cherished and took care of for 6 very important months of his life. Wondering how you can go on without him and how I will explain the silence to him. Wondering if he will ever hear from his foster family. Wondering if you are too busy or too sad to send a little "hello". I am wondering how to deal with this myself, much less how my son will deal with it later. I have questions about it all, it's no wonder he will too. Wondering if it is possible that a mother's heart can break for a child that may not ever really remember his foster family. I wonder if my wondering is just a waste of time and energy. Now, I wonder, do any of you have suggestions of what to do???

MIA

I have been MIA for a long time. I (we) have had so much going on it has just been so crazy. We had a good Christmas, it was not quite the one I pictured but Holden knew no difference. I must say, I am so fortunate to have him as my son. Some mornings I wake up, look into his face and wonder how God could give me such a wonderful gift. Other mornings, I wake up and look at Holden's little face and think. "you are such a little stinker!".

My poor baby has not been well the last few days and luckily my mother's instinct has been kicking in tell me he may have an allergy to milk. So, for now, i have put him on almond milk and will try introducing dairy products again at a later date when I feel it is "safe" to do so. Holden's poor little system needs a rest. He has been throwing up and had diarrhea, I am going to make an appointment with a nutritionist so I can make sure he gets all the good fats and proteins he needs.

Pretty soon, I will have the gift of time. I will have time to spend with my son, time to figure out exactly what his diet should be and possibly time to take a few courses. I have to think of this as a gift, as it was not planned or anticipated but it is happening so, it has to be a gift from God.

So, that is what is happening here, what's going on in your neck of the woods??